Gotta love Karma...

I'd have to say that the most disgusting thing I've ever found in my house was thankfully not on me, but my roommate (one of the many I kicked out for being stupid).

She decided to have a party one night at our house, and invited her friends and this guy from outta town that she had this huge crush on. Well, she got really drunk, like stinkin' nasty drunk...anyway, the guy stayed with her in her room.

The next morning I was getting ready for class, trying to ignore the trashed house, and she comes stumbling down the hall, all hungover and glazy-eyed. She stops at the mirror and touches her head and squints at her reflection with this puzzled look on her face...then turns to me and asks "Is there something in my hair?" I told her to turn her head so I could see and...Ewwwwww...

There was this dried matted chunky mass of vomit stuck to the back of her head, under and behind and inside her ear, and smeared on her cheek. It looked like chewed up spaghetti (what they'd eaten for dinner) and cat food.

My response: "BWAAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!!! *deep breath* "BWAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" (did I mention this was the roommate from hell??)

While I'm laughing so hard that I'm near hyperventilating, she's whining "What iiiiis it? What's in my haaaaaiiir?"

I said, whispering and giggling "I think you puked in yer bed, genius...hope it didn't get on your new boy-friend...snort!"

She gasps with this look of horror, then tiptoes back into the room where he's still sleeping (oh you KNOW I followed her!) It was on his face, in his mouth, al over the pillow...I almost puked, but I was too busy trying to stifle my laughter as not to wake the poor guy up. I really did feel bad for him. He had no idea she was such a loser. Anyway, she cried and had to wake him up and tell him what happened. And there's no way she could've blamed him because he didn't drink anything!!

BWAAAHAAHAAAAA!

That was one of the most disgusting things I've ever witnessed, and yet one of my favorite memories. Karma's a bitch, yo!

Can somebody please shut this thing off???

Someone recently asked me if I was "Random." And by that she meant 'do I blurt out random thoughts at odd moments?' Well, I guess I would best describe myself as a neat freak trapped in a cluttered mind. Every time a closet door gets opened in my brain, a bunch of junk topples out.

Seriously ...come to think of it, the most common question my husband asks me: "What brought that up?" Perfect example of how my brain works: I'm getting ready for work, and I say to Dan "did you know some theaters make their popcorn ahead of time and keep it in big trash bags...and then dump the bags into the poppers at slow times of the day so that you see all this popcorn that you 'think' was just popped, but really it was made the night before? Man! I hate stale popcorn! I learned that little secret from my friend, Dru in college, when he worked at the Galleria theatre."

By the time he asks me "What the hell brought that up?", I realize I have to explain my thought process of how I got to whatever random blurb popped out of my mouth, which sort of sounds like this:

"Well, I looked out the window and saw a squirrel, digging in my flower bed, probably burying a nut, and I thought 'Man, some peanuts would be tasty right now.' but then I realized I don't have any peanuts, just peanut butter, not really in the mood for that...mmmm...peanut butter and honey, spun honey...how do bee-keepers not freak out? I mean, Really! I could not stand in a swarm of bees and not freak out and start flailing around...especially if I got stung...and they get stung...alot! I wonder if they have bee nightmares? I had a bee nightmare once, I dreamed a yellow jacket was hiding in my dad's t-shirt drawer and was gonna sting him when he went to get dressed in the morning. But that wasn't as bad as the dream I had about the wind-up chattering teeth biting me on the back!! Man, was that the worst! I know it was because my mom bit me to 'teach me a lesson'... just because I bit my brother when I was two years old. What the hell? Who bites their kid? She says 'well, you never did it again!" There's no telling what traumatic repressed emotions have festered due to that memory...Stupid mom...I wonder how she's doing...Man, I wish she'd quit smoking. They use smoke for bee-keeping...that's kinda cool...and those boxes they keep the bees in make good book shelves-minus the bees, of course...I wish I had more than two...I don't know any bee keepers in the area, probably wouldn't give up any of their boxes anyway...they do make good book shelves...I haven't read my book in days. Great! now I don't remember what was even happening. I'll have to start over...again. I'd like to read Good Omens again...except my friend still has it. I can't believe they didn't make that into a movie! I haven't been to the movies in a while...I don't even remember the last movie I saw. Has it been that long? man, I could go for some movie popcorn right now...mmmm. Except the stale-day-before popcorn. Whatever happened to Dru, anyway?? He always brought us fresh popcorn from the end of his shifts at the theatre..."

"Anyhow...that's why I was thinking about popcorn. You wanna go see a movie this weekend?"

Sometimes I wish my brain had a 'standby' switch...

Keepin' it real

I was having a discussion with my best friend a few days ago, about the real me. Including things I just can't make sense of, and things that just truly annoy me. Things I obsess about changing, but have somehow come to accept as a part of my everyday life because it seems there simply is no solution to the problem. They are my problems, and they are 'me'

I said I was thankful I'm married, because I wonder how I'd ever find a date with all my weirdness...which led us to how funny it would be to create a personals ad based on the real truth. Which we almost posted, then decided it would be cruel, because what if there was one poor schmuck who decided to accept us despite all of our flawed weirdness? Then we'd have to break his heart. No way.

So this is what I realized-

I know we all have those little 'things', those little quirks or blemishes that we hide from everyone. Well what would happen if we just said hey, guess what..."I have a third nipple" (I really don't, but you don't know that do you? I totally could...but I don't...seriously...just two) What I do have is a bunch of weirdness that is, essentially, me...and I'm ready to just be me, the real me. Enough with the charade. Join me, if you like. Fess up to all your quirky flaws...or just get a good laugh reading about mine. I have nothing better to do. I'm at work for the next 9 hours...and this is my solution to boredom for the day.

I am 31 yrs old, well, for 3 more months at least. And I am starting to feel old. I never felt that before, but here it is. Old. I weigh far more than I'd like to, but I have finally accepted that I'll never fit into my 'skinny' clothes again. I have every intention of losing weight, but I realize squeezing into my Jr High school jeans is no longer a goal. It just isn't realistic. So I have thrown them all out (to GoodWill, of course) and settled into a more relaxed body image. I do need to lose weight, but not that much. Except in the boob region, boy those things get in the way, and they're travelling south for the winter...a very long winter.

Then there is the sweating thing. I'm puzzled by the fact that I can sweat when I'm freezing. And not only that, but I sweat more on my right side than my left. Can someone please explain to me why my right pit sweats, while the rest of my body acts normal? please? I just don't get it! And if someone has a magic antiperspirant that actually does what its name implies, please, please share your knowledge with me? It's hard to explain the embarrassment of having a sweat stain on your shirt...on one pit...constantly. It's just icky. And ANNOYING.

And then...there is the thing with my nose. My nose runs constantly...but only on one side. This time it happens to be the left side. OK, maybe I know why this happens, but it doesn't really matter, because no one else would, unless I tell them...and can you imagine? I'd just need a T-shirt that has this printed on it:

"FYI -If you see a tiny drop of water on the end of my nose, well it's not water...it is snot, clear snot, but still snot...anyway. If you see that, don't think 'Ewww! Gross!' Just be polite and hand me a tissue, because I don't know it's there. Seriously. I can't feel it. I had a car accident in 94 and crushed my nose on the rear view mirror. It's fixed, but I have nerve damage and loss of feeling in some spots. I even have a reversal of feeling in other spots - I can rub the side of my nose and not feel anything there, but somehow I feel rubbing on the tip of my nose...weird, I know, but true! Ahhh! I'm getting of topic...so my left nostril for some reason is always moist, to put it best. And I cannot feel it when it gets a little too moist, so be a dear and hand me a tissue if it happens to be one of the 1 out of 100 times i am not already armed with a tissue. I carry a box, but sometimes I forget. So, I usually blame it on allergies, but it isn't allergies. I'm just embarrassed. And I'm sick of being embarrassed. And please know that I wash my hands obsessively. I am a germaphobe with a leaky nose...so, as you can imagine, I don't have much idle time on my hands BTW...do you have a tissue to spare?"

-I suppose that would need to be a really, really big shirt. Maybe I could just hand out flyers with the above printed on it. That would be easier...a little weird, maybe. then again...I can't feel my left nostril and I have a perpetually sweaty right pit, so what's a little more weirdness??

And I guess I could mention my freak tongue (no, not like Gene Simmons-Yikes!) I have what is called Benign Migratory Glossitis, common name: Geographic Tongue. No my tongue doesn't travel, but my tastebuds do! It's totally harmless and you can't catch it (even though it's on the move-snort! ) but it is freaky! They call it geographic tongue because the patterns look like areas on a map. There are different types of taste buds, and most people have normal amounts of each, but people with GT have odd numbers of them, and they constantly change...like by the hour, no joke! So I might see London in the morning, at night I'd see France, I might might even see the shape of underpants...OK I'll stop! Seriously, there are always spots on my tongue where I have absolutely no tastebuds. Zero. Just big smooth spots. And for all of you normal people...let me just tell you this: be thankful for your tastebuds. They are one of those body parts that are taken for granted. For me, things often taste strange. And then there is spicy food. You never realize how much your tastebuds protect your mouth until you bite into a hot pepper with a 'naked' tongue... Owweee! I also get paranoid about laughing too hard, because I might open my mouth really wide allowing someone to see my tongue, causing them to wonder what frozen flag pole I got stuck to, or worse, what freaky disease I'm carrying around and could those little droplets of saliva emitted from my hysterical laughter infect the rest of them???

I could go on to tell you about all the other strange anomalies I possess, like having one nipple bigger than the other one, and the bigger one is on the smaller of the two boobs, thanks to the careless hands of the surgeon who did my reduction surgery back in 94...just three weeks before that car accident, which prompted me to threaten the life of the EMT who attempted to cut off my new teeny-weeny bra...

...but I'm guessing no one's still reading this post... I am officially monkey-leashed, and there's no escape.

Besides, I have to go shove a cork up my left nostril and put some deodorant on my right pit, while I hold my shoulders crooked so my boobs don't look lop-sided.