I think I'll be burning my undies now.

Last week, I started painting and sealing our main bathroom. You've all read the drama we've dealt with with the gargantuan cucarachas getting into the house (I swear, Union must rival Florida in their bug size). Well, there are two known places where the nasty creatures can squeeze their little bodies through. One is under the sink, where the holes in the cabinets were drilled too large for the pipes, and behind the toilet, where a 2 inch piece of flooring is missing and the linoleum, well...'floats'...leaving a small gap between the floor and the red carpet entrance to our fantabulous bathroom from the dusty crawlspace that is the street corner to a variety of insect life. From their point of view...that entrance must look like a cucaracha nightclub.

Since we knew of those two, I had the holes closed off temporarily with tape until we could properly repair them. What I didn't know, was that the small corner cabinet, directly in front of the toilet, wasn't bug proof. Somewhere, somehow, they can get in. Wish I had discovered this little secret a better way...

You guys remember (from earlier posts) this is the bathroom where you basically have to shimmy your arse into the 20 inch space between the shower and wall, sorta behind the cabinet, to pee. Not a convenient space for anything...much less a quick getaway. And because of that fact, I had been using the guest bathroom. Then came a broken toilet, then came fleas in the bathtub...so the other bathroom was off-limits at the time.

Anyway...after playing hide and seek with Nate, I made a quick stop to pee...noticed the toilet paper roll was empty, opened the small cabinet (the safe cabinet...I thought) and grabbed a new roll. I always inspect everything I pick up, just in case, but this was from the bug-proof cabinet...so I gave it a once-over and hurried, as I heard Nate running through the house looking for me.

Well, I suppose it would have been wise to peer into the tube of the TP I'd picked up, because there was a FREAKIN HUGE cockroach inside it.

You know how you pick up a roll and put two fingers into the tube to hold it and use your other hand to unroll? Yeah...well, I did that only I felt something move, just for a split second, because with that he catapulted himself out of the TP tube and landed directly on my naughtybits!!!! And by 'naughtybits' I mean my hoo-haa!!! My giblets!!!! My girlparts!!! I swear to you, not even a full second had passed...my brain was still trying to process, I looked down to see the bug as it landed on me...hopped onto my undies and disappeared with lightning speed INTO MY PANTS LEG!!!

Toilet paper went flying, pee went everywhere (you can't really stop peeing in the grips of terror) and I believe the sound that came from my mouth was something like:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

I don't know how I got out of that space, but I did. And I managed to get my pants and underwear off while still peeing on myself...kicking and swatting at myself the whole time.

*pantpantpantpant*

So there I was...hyperventilating, half naked in the bathroom, scanning every surface for this gigantic bug. Nothing. Keeping a close eye on my clothes, figuring he must still be in my pants...or *gag* my undies. And suddenly I realized I was unarmed. Unarmed against a creature that moves with cheetah-like speed, and the precision of a drunken squirrel...running right at their attacker. Dumb and fast is not a good combination in any creature...and I was trapped inside a 6x9 ft space with it. Defenseless and nude...baring my violated girl parts.

I grabbed a scrub brush from the cabinet and reached slowly from as far away as I could stand...and piched the undies, lifted them, poised in preparation for a bug-squishing...nothing. I shook them...nada. I put the brush down and looked into my undies...no bugs. I tossed them into the corner.

Next: the pants. Same routine...pinch, lift, look, shake, turn, shake, both hands, fluff and shake...nothing.

What the Hell?

Suddenly it dawned on me "What if he's ON me?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"*swat-smack-pat-smack-whap-whap-whap-hairfluff-smack-smack-shudder*

OK...shirt off...hair checked...nothing.

What...The...HELL?

I peered into the hallway to see if he'd escaped under the door and was hugging the baseboard somewhere.

Nope.

Stood there, thinking...he has to be under my clothes. He must have fallen out of my pants and hidden beneath my undies while I was checking them. Brush in hand, poised for attack, I bent to reach out for my pants one more time...

...and felt a fluttering on my left butt-cheek.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" *I think I did something that resembled a drunken ninja-kick and yelled...Get it off me!!!*

Nate had decided, in the spirit of hide and seek, that it was the appropriate moment to sneak up on me and touch my naked booty from the doorway...while I was leaning over reaching for my buggy undies on the floor.

Not. Cool.

That shaved a good 10 years off my life at least. And I NEVER found that damn bug! He must have scuttled away into the air vent, which I taped promptly. That's the only place I couldn't see into. I called the exterminator for a quarterly follow-up 10 minutes later.

So....I think I'll burn my undies outside, in a tiny bon-fire fashion...with a few dead cucarachas tied to little stakes around the firepit as a fiery warning to all the others.

As for the pesky crotchroach who nearly killed me, and left me with drywall burns on my elbows from trying to escape the tiny death-trap toilet cubby with arms flailing...wherever he escaped to, I know he's dead...and I hope before the little bastard died he had terrifying nightmares and visions of being eaten by a giant vagina!!