Conversations with Janice

I've decided after many months that this little gem of a conversation has to be blogged. I was a little worried she might somehow stumble across it and get offended...but it's not like she can actually use a computer. I guess I'll take my chances.

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The phone rings, I answer...it's Janice.

Janice: "Melissa, this is Mom"

Like I don't know it's her For one, I've heard her voice for 32 years, it tends to become recognizable, and two, She speaks more slowly than any other human I know, and finally, if all that fails to tip me off, my caller ID assures me that there is a 75% chance I will regret not letting this call go to voice mail, then calling back at a more convenient time...like when I have ten minutes of life left on my phone battery.

Me: "Hey Mom..."

Janice:"Hey. I just wanted to ask you a quick question. "

note: When Janice says "a quick question" this results in a conversation of a minimum: 15 minutes, average: 45 minutes, worst case scenario: 2 hours and she hangs up on me, mad and insulted, when I insist I have to go because Nate's bedtime was a hour ago

Me: "OK..."

HELP!

Janice: "You said you had free minutes after 7pm and on weekends, but I'm looking at my phone bill and we've got calls on here that we're being charged for, and the time of alot of these calls are after 7..."

OK, first of all: that's not even a question, but Holy freakin crap, are you kidding me? I can already see where this is going because I had a conversation with her two months ago that started the same way. I pray for a dropped or a low service area as I drive through the country. Please Cingular, if there was ever a time when you could fail me...PLEEEASE, PLEEEEEASE, let it be NOW!

Janice: "Why are we being charged for free minutes? That's just wrong!"

Oh good god, just fake a dropped call! You can do it!

Me: "Mom, No. What I said was I have unlimited/free minutes on my cingular plan after 7pm and on weekends, so if you guys are going to call me, to wait until then to do so unless it's an emergency, that way I won't go over and be charged for the calls."

Janice: "I know, but we're being charged for them. I've got the bill right here..."

Me: "There only free for my cell phone plan. You still get charged for the call if you make it from your home phone."

Janice: "I thought when you said free minutes, that they were free. I thought we weren't supposed to be paying for those calls if we waited to call you after 7. I mean, you said they were free. If we'd know we were being charged, we wouldn't have talked so long..."

Ok...this makes me laugh every time I think of it. See definition of 'quick question' above...yeah she wouldn't have talked long...riiiight.

Me: "Like I said before, these are 'free' only on my plan. If you call me from your home phone then you will be billed for the call because it's long distance. Now if you call from your cell phone and you have free nights and weekends on your plan you won't be charged. Or if I call you on your home phone, you aren't charged."

Janice: "Well, WE get charged ANYTIME on our cell plan. We have Verizon and it's just plain sorry."

Me: "Are you sure you don't have N&W on your plan? Most of them offer that. Maybe you should ask Dad...he would know since he set the plans up."

Janice: "He keeps talking about switching, because Verizon's service is just sorry"

Me: "You should still ask him."

Janice: "Do you have a bill for your calls that you could look at and tell me which time you called me. Our bill shows charges for all of these calls, and I know sometimes you called us after 7. So they're charging us for times when you called us. If you called, we shouldn't have to pay for it."

Oh...My...God

Me: "Mom, you're looking at a bill for your landline, right? It doesn't list incoming calls, so all of those charges are for calls you made to me."

Janice: "But you called us sometimes, I remember. We didn't always call you."

Holy Crap!

Me: "MOM! I know I called you too, but you won't see those calls at all on your bill. It only lists the calls you make. Those are the only ones you are getting charged for."

Janice: "But it doesn't say which ones are incomng or outgoing, it just lists a charge by each one. If they're charging us for all of them, that's wrong. We shouldn't have to pay for the ones we didn't make..."

This is what hell is like, isn't it? It must be...

Me: "MOM!!!!!! There is NOTHING WRONG on your bill!!! They are ALL OUTGOING CALLS!!!! They don't PRINT incoming calls on your bill."

Janice: "oh..."

Me: "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said about the free minutes. I know you guys don't have alot of money, so if you ever need me to call you back at night, just say so. I don't always think about it, so just remind me and I'll call you right back..."

Janice: "Well, ok...I guess I'll let you go. I just wanted to ask you about that real quick...because when I talked to you before, you said they were free...and well, we thought they were free for us, too. I wish you had told us they weren't free for us"

My mom is on crack, I swear. She must be. I've had enough of this nonsense. Time to break out the reality check.

Me: "Well, Mom, I really don't understand why you would think that still, because we had this same conversation two months ago, because you got a phone bill and thought they were charging you then, too. I explained the whole situation to you before."

Janice: "You told ME about this?"

Me: "Yes, the same conversation. I told you the same thing two months ago. "

Janice: "Yeah, but when you told me, you said they were 'Free after 7pm, so we didn't think..."

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Me: "Free for ME, MEEEEEEE. OK? THAT is what I told you. I'm sorry you didn't understand that you would be charged. The only reason I asked you all to wait until after 7pm was because we had lowered our plan and I had les than 300 minutes for daytime use and if I went over I got charged. Seriously mom, 40 cents per minute for anything over. That's alot. I just needed to be careful."

Janice: "I know it's alot. You know, your brother gets charged alot too...it says right here, he gets charged 20 cents a minute...and 12 cents a minute...33 cents..."

At this point I'm scratching my head, not a freakin' clue WHAT she is talking about...because she's still looking at HER bill. I'm certain she has lost her damn mind and is trying to take mine with it.

and then she says: "Oh, wait...no, no. Those are the length of the calls..."



I really wish I could say the conversation ended there, but it didn't. I'll spare you the rest of the details as I'm sure your brain is as numb as mine at this point, right??

I think I'll be burning my undies now.

Last week, I started painting and sealing our main bathroom. You've all read the drama we've dealt with with the gargantuan cucarachas getting into the house (I swear, Union must rival Florida in their bug size). Well, there are two known places where the nasty creatures can squeeze their little bodies through. One is under the sink, where the holes in the cabinets were drilled too large for the pipes, and behind the toilet, where a 2 inch piece of flooring is missing and the linoleum, well...'floats'...leaving a small gap between the floor and the red carpet entrance to our fantabulous bathroom from the dusty crawlspace that is the street corner to a variety of insect life. From their point of view...that entrance must look like a cucaracha nightclub.

Since we knew of those two, I had the holes closed off temporarily with tape until we could properly repair them. What I didn't know, was that the small corner cabinet, directly in front of the toilet, wasn't bug proof. Somewhere, somehow, they can get in. Wish I had discovered this little secret a better way...

You guys remember (from earlier posts) this is the bathroom where you basically have to shimmy your arse into the 20 inch space between the shower and wall, sorta behind the cabinet, to pee. Not a convenient space for anything...much less a quick getaway. And because of that fact, I had been using the guest bathroom. Then came a broken toilet, then came fleas in the bathtub...so the other bathroom was off-limits at the time.

Anyway...after playing hide and seek with Nate, I made a quick stop to pee...noticed the toilet paper roll was empty, opened the small cabinet (the safe cabinet...I thought) and grabbed a new roll. I always inspect everything I pick up, just in case, but this was from the bug-proof cabinet...so I gave it a once-over and hurried, as I heard Nate running through the house looking for me.

Well, I suppose it would have been wise to peer into the tube of the TP I'd picked up, because there was a FREAKIN HUGE cockroach inside it.

You know how you pick up a roll and put two fingers into the tube to hold it and use your other hand to unroll? Yeah...well, I did that only I felt something move, just for a split second, because with that he catapulted himself out of the TP tube and landed directly on my naughtybits!!!! And by 'naughtybits' I mean my hoo-haa!!! My giblets!!!! My girlparts!!! I swear to you, not even a full second had passed...my brain was still trying to process, I looked down to see the bug as it landed on me...hopped onto my undies and disappeared with lightning speed INTO MY PANTS LEG!!!

Toilet paper went flying, pee went everywhere (you can't really stop peeing in the grips of terror) and I believe the sound that came from my mouth was something like:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

I don't know how I got out of that space, but I did. And I managed to get my pants and underwear off while still peeing on myself...kicking and swatting at myself the whole time.

*pantpantpantpant*

So there I was...hyperventilating, half naked in the bathroom, scanning every surface for this gigantic bug. Nothing. Keeping a close eye on my clothes, figuring he must still be in my pants...or *gag* my undies. And suddenly I realized I was unarmed. Unarmed against a creature that moves with cheetah-like speed, and the precision of a drunken squirrel...running right at their attacker. Dumb and fast is not a good combination in any creature...and I was trapped inside a 6x9 ft space with it. Defenseless and nude...baring my violated girl parts.

I grabbed a scrub brush from the cabinet and reached slowly from as far away as I could stand...and piched the undies, lifted them, poised in preparation for a bug-squishing...nothing. I shook them...nada. I put the brush down and looked into my undies...no bugs. I tossed them into the corner.

Next: the pants. Same routine...pinch, lift, look, shake, turn, shake, both hands, fluff and shake...nothing.

What the Hell?

Suddenly it dawned on me "What if he's ON me?"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"*swat-smack-pat-smack-whap-whap-whap-hairfluff-smack-smack-shudder*

OK...shirt off...hair checked...nothing.

What...The...HELL?

I peered into the hallway to see if he'd escaped under the door and was hugging the baseboard somewhere.

Nope.

Stood there, thinking...he has to be under my clothes. He must have fallen out of my pants and hidden beneath my undies while I was checking them. Brush in hand, poised for attack, I bent to reach out for my pants one more time...

...and felt a fluttering on my left butt-cheek.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" *I think I did something that resembled a drunken ninja-kick and yelled...Get it off me!!!*

Nate had decided, in the spirit of hide and seek, that it was the appropriate moment to sneak up on me and touch my naked booty from the doorway...while I was leaning over reaching for my buggy undies on the floor.

Not. Cool.

That shaved a good 10 years off my life at least. And I NEVER found that damn bug! He must have scuttled away into the air vent, which I taped promptly. That's the only place I couldn't see into. I called the exterminator for a quarterly follow-up 10 minutes later.

So....I think I'll burn my undies outside, in a tiny bon-fire fashion...with a few dead cucarachas tied to little stakes around the firepit as a fiery warning to all the others.

As for the pesky crotchroach who nearly killed me, and left me with drywall burns on my elbows from trying to escape the tiny death-trap toilet cubby with arms flailing...wherever he escaped to, I know he's dead...and I hope before the little bastard died he had terrifying nightmares and visions of being eaten by a giant vagina!!

Karma wins again.

Am I a magnet for chaos and catastrophe?

On August 9th, Dan was rear-ended while driving to work. The car sustained damages just $500 shy of being a total loss. $8500. We got the car back on Sept 25 (they kept it for six weeks) and it was almost perfectly repaired, aside from a couple cosmetic details. Dan was planning to take it to the dealer to have them correct it on Monday.

No point in doing that.

At a very dark and early 5am drive to work, my car got well aquainted with a deer on McConnells hwy...at 55mph.

It dashed out into the road, as deer typically do, about 20 feet ahead of me. I hit the brakes hard, but not too hard (lost control of a car and broke 7 bones in 1994 from braking too hard and swerving) and didn't swerve obviously, lest I get acquainted with some trees in a hurry. Anyway...this deer pulls a move I hadn't seen before. Bambi's got nothing on this girl, apparently she's been hangin' out with the squirrels...she turned for a sec, and almost ran back...then took one giant leap in an attempt to escape.

My passenger side headlight clipped her, caught her right in the hip area, spun her around like a top, and I heard a few taps and scrapes on the side of the car. It didn't sound very bad, but I knew there would be some damage. I drove back to see if she was on the ground and visible to me, but she had run off (or at least I think, I could see only as far as my headlights shone) Poor thing. I know she must be injured and hurting.

When I got to McConnells, I pulled into a Texaco parking lot and took a closer look at the car.

The hood is all wonky and dented. The very front of it is curled under like a crumpled soda can. The headlight housing is broken, the grille is hanging off (the impact broke one of the bolts off and cracked the grille plate) There is a small dent and a few scratches on the side of the car, but nothing really noticeable. No blood, but some hair embedded in the grille.

I have driven those roads for 15 years, and I always knew...I knew...at some point I'd nail one. But now? Come ON!!!!

I feel like somewhere, out there in the vast and infinite universe, the mischievous hand of karma has taken a shine to me, and every now and then...has to smoosh me...like those feet on Monty Python's Flying Circus.

And then it has a good laugh, gets distracted, loses interest for a few days, then...*SMOOSH!*

And, yes...I know things could be much worse, so don't misunderstand. I am so very thankful for the positive things in my life, the bright side, if you will...the blessings most people take for granted. For instance...at least there wasn't another deer behind that one to smack into my windsheild...at least it was a deer, not a bear...at least I had a change of underwear even though I didn't need it...at least the cucarachas aren't infesting in my house, they just happen to be outside bugs that know the way in...at least my kid wasn't in the bed when my cat peed on it...

So forget what I said about being cursed. I have been smitten by the pointy finger of Karma, and I am now her bitch