Frog Killer

I am responsible for the death of a grey tree frog.

Yep.

Killed him in my car.

DEAD.

And why was he in my car, you ask? Well...I'll tell you. I'm not really sure. All I know is this: I was driving home from work at 1am on Sunday morning, 45 miles of country roads ahead of me...I'm blaring the stereo and wailing my heart out, windows down and enjoying the cool night air. About 10 miles out of Rock Hill, I reached for my lip balm from the passenger seat, but couldn't find it, so I flipped the interior light on. I grabbed my lip balm (I go NOWHERE without my lip balm, it's like blood. I'd die without it, I swear!!) and something from the back seat caught my eye as I flipped the light back off.

It was something living...alive...another LIFE in my vehicle when I thought I was alone.

NOT. GOOD.

I think, in that split second it took for me turn the interior light back on, I was the closest I've ever been to pooping my shorts. Seriously, next stop blowout...like a defense mechanism. It's probably written somewhere in the human care manual: 'Humans will poop on their attackers if provoked in a means to distract, giving them time to escape. However, this defense is only effective assuming the human hasn't passed out from sheer terror.'

I turned slowly and peered into the back seat...nothing...*sigh of relief*...and then my eyes refocused on the headrest of the passenger seat...where the pointiest, boniest frog butt I've ever seen... just a mere 8 inches away from my nose. (I drive a Ford Focus, so it may have been closer...all I know is almost shit my pants...AGAIN!)

Yes it was just a frog, but in that second all I knew is there in fact WAS another living creature in my car with me, and he did not belong! All my brain processed was a string of warnings 'INTRUDER! FOREIGN BEING! TWO MORE EYES THAN ACCOUNTED FOR IN THIS VEHICLE!!! AGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!' Rather than...'Be aware, there is a pointy frog butt in your facial vicinity', to which I could have responded to calmly. Instead...I nearly ran off the damn road as a result of heart-failure.

**Yes I was still driving You know...back roads, pitch black darkness, possible killer in the back seat...you just don't pull over in these situations unless you have to.

Once I regained control of the wheel, and the car was moving slowly and in a straight path as opposed to 'whirling dervish' style... I calmed myself (all the while keeping one eye firmly locked on the froggy butt who was ACK! turning his body to face me...*heart rate increasing* and tried to decide what to do.

Now, I am not afraid of frogs or toads in the least. What I am afraid of, is them jumping into my hair or on my face...or pretty much anywhere without warning. THAT, will most certainly cause me to kill myself. And as I'm driving, I'm imagining my own death by car crash...no one would see a frog...just a dead me. No signs of foul play....no evidence of cause of accident. They'd determine I'd fallen asleep, or been careless...either way I'd be dead and I'd have no chance to defend my awesome driving skills (*snort*) I'd be labeled a bad driver...forever...ALL BECAUSE OF A DAMN FROG BUTT.

That's it...he had to go.

Now the question was how do I get him out of the stupid car??? Great. No cars on the road...or at least no headlights (can't be too sure in the country...). No driveways visible...dammit! No where to pull over. He turned to face me. All I could think was 'That little f--ker is gonna jump on my FACE and I'll die...DIE!' No time to find the perfect spot, so I just stopped in the middle of the dang road and turned and stared him down...trying to figure out how to grab him. Knowing it would be an impossible task. And once he jumps, I may not be able to find him, and I'll be forced to drive the next 30 miles in terrifying anticipation of his slimy little butt leaping on me unaware.

I moved my hand swiftly toward him from the front...and MISSED him!!! Dammit! He landed on Nate's car seat.

*great, now I get to explain frog poo on the carseat!*

I grabbed at him again...and missed a SECOND time!

*what happened to me? I used to be so good at frog-catching...I SUCK at this*

GAH!!! Headlights over the hill...panic sets in...could be those howling lunatics from 'Wrong Turn' ( I always think that) and I decide froggy will have to share the ride home with me. I'm sure he wasn't as afraid as me for those 30 miles. Every little brush against my leg, or arm...took a few weeks off of my life span. The whole way I dreaded the arrival home, where I'd have to find him...or else he'd perish in the car and then I can only imagine the smell of 100 degree dead frog butt. I might die from that also.

Got home without incident, but couldn't find him. I left the windows down hoping he'd jump out, but apparently frogs are not very smart. What the hell was he doing in the car in the first place? I went out the next morning and he was hiding underneath the carseat strap, near death. I took him in and cooled him down, keeping him from drying out all afternoon, but he died anyway, and I was very sad that he'd suffered in the heat.

I'd looked forward to sharing my story of the bony-assed hitch-hiking little amphibian who nearly killed me, that I got to set free, but sadly the story is not all smiles and fun. I guess it's all fun and games till Mo kills a frog. Poor little fella.

Welcome to NOWHERE

I've discovered the locals...or they've discovered me.

I rushed over to grab a few last minute food items on the 4th (since we'd determined late in the day that we'd be staying in for the evening) and of the 2 grocery stores in town, I determined that the Piggly Wiggly was closer than Bi-Lo. And, since it was 5 minutes til 6pm, I figured it to be my safer bet.

OK...this is the smallest grocery store I'd EVER seen. You know how you go into a primary school and all the furniture is teeny and you suddenly feel like a giant in who-ville? Yeah...it was like that. The store was tiny, and the fixtures were old...and if you've never noticed that store fixtures got larger over the years...I'm here to tell you. THEY DID. It felt like I stepped into the twilight zone. Oompa Loompas probably stock the shelves after dark.

When I finally get to the register...the cashier gives me the raised eyebrow, but a friendly smile. Clearly I don't appear to be 'from these parts' but she is welcoming.
And while I'm placing my items on the conveyor, she asks me "You got a pig card?"

Ummm...what?

"Excuse me?" I say, clearly puzzled, then it dawns on me that she must be talking about a savings or discount card. I am in the Piggly Wiggly after all...duh. But do they call it that, seriously? A PIG card? *sigh* Another board meeting I would have loved to have been present for...

Chairman PiggleWilly: OK guys...Any ideas on a name for our Piggly Wiggly discount card?

Guy #1: "How about 'Swine Savers?'"

Guy #2: "Oooh! How about 'Hog Hoppers?'"

Guy #3: "....Hmmmm. 'Pig Card?'"

Chairman PiggleWilly: *speaking over oohs and ahhs from Guys #1 and 2** "Yes! That's it! How CLEVER!!! You get a raise, Guy #3! Good work little piggie!"

Cashier: "DO you got a pig card?"

Me: "Ohh, sorry. No. I just moved to the area. I've never even been in a Piggly Wiggly before."

Cashier: "Would you like to get one? It only takes a minute to fill out..."

Me: "Sure, I guess. I'll probably be back from time to time, since the store is so close."

Cashier: *turns to far end of store and yells* "TOMMY!!!!! GET ME SOME PIG CARDS! I AIN'T GOT NO MORE!"

Me: "Ummm...that's ok, I can just get one next..."

Cashier: "TOMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!"

Tommy: "mumblemumblemumble" (from somewhere in store)

Cashier: "WELL, THERE AIN"T NONE UP HERE!" *looks at me and rolls her eyes*

Tommy: "OK!"

Cashier: "So...you moved to Union....on purpose?" *eyebrow raised*

Me: "Yes"

Cashier: "Uhhh...WHY?"

Me: "Well, my husband and I have a family now, and we wanted a larger house, for a cheap price, in a small, quiet town. And that lead us here."

Cashier: *raises eyebrow a little further...as if she's waiting for me to laugh and say "No silly...I'd never move HERE!" and laugh loudly*

Me: *both eyebrows raise, challenging the girl's state of mind, pondering if she's just young and ignorant, or a total wackjob...*

Cashier: *In a loud and eerily friendly, but deadpan voice* "WELL! Welcome to Union. You'll never have ANYTHING to do. EVER. AGAIN."

Then she raises her eyebrow and smiles...sort of.

Me: "Heheheh...ummm. Thanks."

*sigh*

Small town teens. Gotta love em.

At last...

No cucarachas for a whole week now!!! Woo-hoo! I think I found their primary entrance, and for now, until I can fix it properly, it is duct taped. You know, I bet there are probably at least 50 of the creepy little f--kers stuck to the underside of that tape...heh! Or at least a bunch of cucarachaless legs. Ha...That means there are gimpy little cucarachas running around Union. I can get miles of enjoyment out of that thought.

BWAAHAAAHAAAA! Love me some duct tape!

This is going to take forever...

Friday June 23rd

If anyone would like to put on their holsters and come down packin' silicone guns...you can help me seal 2700 square feet of old house. There are so many places where the outside bugs can get in. I've found about 7 or 8 since we got the place a month ago. Gah!

The bug guy has been out and sprayed. Now we just need to prevent them from entering. It's pretty much like leaving the door open and hoping they don't visit... The previous owners just sprayed and didn't properly seal the gaps around the pipes etc... I don't want to go that route. I want them outside where they belong. Not in my house, even if they are twitching and near-death.

In the meantime...pulling their antennae seems to piss them off quite a bit! (with a foreign object, NOT my hand!!) I'm not an idiot. I did get a good suggestion from a friend:

Jes said: "We used to spray them with neon spraypaint and watch them race around the shop back in San Diego They're much less creepy when they're day-glo"

And you know what? They are less creepy... See for yourself!

11:59 am

That beast is still twitching. I think I heard him whimper when I lifted the plunger 10 minutes ago. I poked at his antennae a couple times just for laughs and then sent him to the dark place again.

The Battle of the Bugs continues

Friday, July 23rd 9:47 am.

I found a gargantuan one belly-up on my bathroom floor....(I gotta seal around those damn pipes!) and it was all twitchy and trembling. I just hovered over it and looked at it...imagining it was trembling out of fear of the fierce and mighty Mo, CUCARACHA-KILLER. I thought about smooshing him, but I figured I'd let him suffer it out...so I grabbed the plunger and lowered it over him with a loud and booming "BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAA!" and walked away satisfied that he would tremble until his death in total icky plunger-y darkness.